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Dear Mama: Stealth Stoners


Dear Mama,

How do the real stoners of the world keep it secret? I got no game.

Hazey and Dorky Glendale

Hi Hazey,

‘Stealth Stoners’ is a favorite topic of mine! Since I figure I will never be employed at my old jobs ever again, I can tell ya on the down low I was ‘lifted’ at every single one of them. Every damn single job over the age of 18. I was not always smoking while working or anything like that, but I have partaken of the herb for short of 40 years now, so ya know I was employed just about all that time.

How to be a stoner and not get in trouble for being a stoner is what you’re asking. As with everything to do with cannabis, two things are key: dosage and strain. You can’t bake out on some sleepy strain and go operate equipment! You could however have a puff or two in the morning of an uplifting sativa to get the morning routine going, get that day off with a grin.

Also important is the intake method. If you inhale your cannabis, you can expect it to wear off in about an hour and a half. If you consume an edible cannabis item, it can take you through an entire work day. Again though, dosage and strain is key to being lifted not wasted.

Those are ways to partake stealth, but the behavior of stealth stoners is what keeps them a secret. I spend my time trying to convince people to come out of the green closet, so this is a bit counterintuitive for me, but I also know how long I was keeping my cannabis use private for family and financial concerns, so no judgements here. If you intend to be a discreet cannabis patient, then you need to focus on being the best version of you. Cannabis should help you center and focus, or some aspect of raising your level of skill. If your cannabis use is something that causes you loss of work, time or focus, then perhaps partaking after work or on weekends is a better option.

I had extreme pain and found that the opiates that the doctors gave me, to use while working, caused me to be unable to function at work. But if I used a low dose sativa edible, my focus was increased, my pain was tolerable, and my mood was pleasant and lifted. I do not think I would have been able to work full time, often two jobs, most of my adult life without the focus, pain control, and mood elevation that cannabis afforded me.

Proceed knowing the legal consequences as well, because any advice I give you is as a buddy, not a lawyer. You can be fired from most jobs in Arizona for looking sideways, so do not risk your career carelessly. I know I was a much better employee with cannabis in my life and opiods out of my life, I also don’t think it was a conversation I could have had with my employer. So I kept it cool, kept my dose low, and made sure it always improved my function, never hindered it.

Be safe out there Hazey,

Stay lifted, Mama

For more letters to Mama, click here.

Laura Mastropietro

Laura Mastropietro, former cannabis co-op grower and patient advocate, consultant, Edible Chef for two edible lines, featured in ‘Cannabis Saved my Life’ by Elizabeth Limbach, currently curates a learning hub called PotofWellness.com, stays active in the cannabis community while running a restaurant and commercial bakery in beautiful Sedona Arizona. Wife, Mother, Grandmother, with a full beautiful life and toss in a life altering disease, cannabis is the magic that helps her keep it all going. Have a cannabis question? Send it to Dear Mama at potofwellness@gmail.com


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