Commitment opened the door to discipline: constant work, whether you like it or not, whether you are motivated or not, whether the sky is falling or there is an apocalypse. It must be done.
When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t believe it, I took the test twice to be sure. Doctors had told me that due to my hormonal deficiency, my ability to get pregnant on my own was impossible and that I required hormonal assistance to fertilize the egg.
Now, I am eight months pregnant, and all of my cannabis smoking habits have radically changed. I decided to stop consuming completely. This experience is helping me to change my perspective on my marijuana habits and analyze the motivations for my use. This information is for both men and women. Sometimes, changes in life can facilitate us to have the ability to overcome certain habits that may have become vice, as in my case.
I started consuming about 5 years ago. At first, it was a way to decompress the pressures of everyday life and I enjoyed the effects it had on me. Sativas were the strains that I liked the most, Amnesia being my favorite. I loved the way it shook my mind and also my body. At this time, I used to consume at the end of the day, when I had finished my work and daily tasks and it was time to prepare dinner.
Little by little, life began to give me personal and professional challenges. Right at that moment, I began to question certain decisions in my life, my limits as a person and the goals that I never reached and I would have liked to achieve: I began to question myself existentially. I’m not saying that cannabis was the one thing that pushed me into this situation, but it was part of this path. Sometimes it benefited me, but other times I abused it to escape what was turning into depression and inner confusion.
The situation became so complicated that my consumption began to be almost constant. Every two or three hours I had to smoke a bowl with my husband. I began to blame my consumption that I was not able to be an effective person in my life: either the time I spent with my husband, which many times ended in confused argument; or the time I spent with my family, which was less and less and all I did was judge them for my mistakes; or as the time I used to make purchases and daily tasks, which I did not manage consistently; or at my job, ceasing to develop myself because I couldn’t find the motivation and the attitude. The depression that I could not see plunged me into a hole that only deepened when I was not able to identify that the thing responsible for this situation was not the environment in which I found myself, nor the obstacles in life, nor my consumption of cannabis, but my way of seeing life and the way I saw myself.
I was evading my responsibility to mature as a person, and even more, I was running away from it and cannabis was a way to run away. When I saw the positive result on the pregnancy test, it was not that everything suddenly changed, but it was a call to action and within me I already knew what I had to do: I had to grow up and understand that now I not only lived for myself. I had to make a decision and use these months before his birth to channel myself with the aim of being an adult in society, for my future son, and at least, make an effort for all those people who matter to me.
At first it was not easy. My physical changes had not yet occurred and I wanted to smoke a couple of bowls, at least, to help me sleep. When I stopped consuming, I realized that I had much more energy than before. I used to fall asleep or get distracted very easily, and when I was watching a movie or show at night my eyelids dropped, struggling to keep my attention. Now, I do not feel that stupor that left my brain totally k.o., but I maintain my sanity and if I start to feel sleepy, I go to bed and stop fighting with myself.
The days passed and I began to see that my commitment to quit marijuana had to be reflected in other habits. During month 4, some friends from Dallas came to see us in Madrid and it was difficult to stay away from alcohol as a way to socialize, since here in Spain, the bar culture is tremendously strong, and having to say no to the slightest drop of alcohol was not easy at all. Even starting to have physical changes in my belly, I justified myself saying “a little bit is not that bad”, but I could have said the same thing to cannabis… I began to realize how profoundly that I had to change to master temptations that slow down my life because they distort my perception of myself and my environment.
I have to admit that I am not a constant person. One day I say I do one thing and after a while, I get discouraged because I don’t see the sense in making that effort, or I don’t have the right attitude to go ahead with it. Each person builds from their weaknesses from being a child to maturity and that work is reflected in how that person lives his/her life in the smallest details: eating and exercise habits, hygiene habits, the way to clean one’s room or how one takes care of the things they have acquired. Not that I lacked all of these characteristics, but I didn’t put the same emphasis and effort on half of them, I didn’t see the reason for putting so much effort into things that are small. I was wrong, each area of your life enables you to improve yourself and to level up as a person.
When I decided to quit smoking cannabis, it was like a door to a path that I had to travel in more than one field of my life. Commitment opened the door to discipline: constant work, whether you like it or not, whether you are motivated or not, whether the sky is falling or there is an apocalypse. It must be done, because in my life, I don’t live alone, there is a life on the way that will depend on me, family members who have to trust me to build a better life together, and without commitment and responsibility towards that commitment, there are no fruits. The result is a spiral that takes you in circles in life and you will never elevate your consciousness.
As I said, I am eight months pregnant. As I look back to see my progress, all I can say is that my changes are very slow and not without difficulties. Breaking with habits or temptations is not easy. It is like trying to bend a steel rod without having the necessary musculature, technique or training: progress is very little, and also, you can hurt yourself in the attempt or hurt others. I feel the kicks of this future life every day that remind me that I have to constantly do better every day and train my behavior for something greater. However, I know that right now is the easiest part. One day, this child will be born and only time will tell if I have mastered my cannabis use and if my work in other fields will reflect the type of person I can become. A mother who overcomes physical or psychological obstacles, however great they may be and who can transmit that wisdom and experience to her son.
To keep working and strive for change is the answer. Don’t let yourself get stuck, fight to grow and be something better. It is within the reach of all of us. In my case, I will push forward even if circumstances tell me otherwise, and I will consider my life as a tree that must be continuously pruned to acquire its maximum potential for those around me, and for future generations.
Federico Hernán | Born May 8th at 4:14am
Irene Llorente is a designer and writer for The Cannabis Cactus Magazine. She likes drawing with pencils, painting with watercolors, and sometimes she works in digital 3D. Her interests include nature, specifically birds and bugs, exercise and historical theology. See her art on her website or Instagram.